Gloriana

I dislike fast food, and moreover, fast food places that feign distinction, with completely straight faces.

One of the strategies employed is by tugging at strings of health-conscious consumers. When McDonald's unveiled their "Healthier Choices" menu, I was torn between laughter and bovine-esque gaping. Clearly, they knew that the reasonable capabilities of the average Mickey D's goer were not impressive; by "healthier", the consumer would somehow deduct "healthy." The same consumer, however, also never quite realizes that while being quickly devoured by a man-eating lion may be slightly more pleasant than having one's genitals dunked into a barrelful of sulphric acid, it is still not pleasant.

Another terrible ploy is to parade "ethnic" dishes. For the uninitiated, fried chicken wings are not Chinese food. That shiny red glop -- allegedly sweet and sour sauce but looking more like the goo from Ghostbusters and tasting like it -- is not Chinese food. If you should ever be unsure whether what you are eating is authentic and of quality, the words "Chinese-Canadian" and "buffet" and -- sorry, but it's true -- the proliferation of Caucasian customers are generally reliable tip-offs.

The décor and uniforms are usually equally appalling. At Made in Japan, for example, they have faux wooden framing and matte linoleum combined to imitate rice paper doors. The employees wear red and tan outfits designed to look like strange Oriental bellhops, because obviously it is not tolerable for them to wear simple shirt and pant ensembles like other human beings with the privilege of dignity in the workplace.

I am uncertain why this is such a prevalent policy, but maybe companies think that such attire would disrupt the otherwise total illusion that a noisy, sticky food court in the middle of downtown Toronto is in fact Shogun Japan. Perhaps they should be focusing on the edibles ... for instance, when my runny, nutty teriyaki sauce is squirted out of a soft squeeze-bottle onto my dry, well-done, tasteless chicken. Egh.

posted at 1:39:16 pm

Alyred
July 8, 2004 05:08 PM PDT

Arrgh! I made a typo! Damned.
Alyred
July 8, 2004 05:07 PM PDT

Heh, Saladin, you make an old white anglo laugh. I don't think I'll infect anyone with smallpox today, or trade away any of their lousy, useless land for some shiny beads.
Seriosuly, though, good points on this post, Gloria. I hate that fast-food crap that tries to pass itself off as ethnic food. And you're right, those McDonald's "healthier choices" ads are rediculous. I swear if I have to see that stupid woman in her car with the kids in the back, as she acts like an excited 4 year old going to McDonalds to get a salad, I'm going to wipe out the entire population of ... oh, the Congo. Or maybe the Ivory Coast. Whatever.
Essentially, when McDonald's started their "I'm lovin' it" BS ( those crappy "hip-hop" ads that are designed to appeal to ... well, I don't know... the inner-urban disadvantaged? Or maybe it's just those posers that have it so good they can afford to wish to be "hip") I pretty much wrote off ever eating there again, until they stop appealing to the lowest common denominator with their campaigns. Not that I ate there much anyway, because well, I'd like to die without glowing with preservatives for the next century.
Saladin
July 8, 2004 04:33 PM PDT

Incidentally, today also represents one hundred fifty-first anniversary of the arrival of the American Commodore Perry in Japan, who, employing the high-minded American ideals of "acting superior" and "having powerful weapons," forcibly opened Japan to American commerce; this would prove to be a crucial factor in Japan's modernization, without which the subsequent history of the world would have been very different.

Happy Perry Day!
Gloria
July 8, 2004 03:14 PM PDT

Theoretically, yes. But for one reasons -- I am very thoroughly whitewashed. I think very much like, work with, and make friends with North Americans. So it seems what should be just food I identify distinctly as Chinese.

Accordingly, mashed potatoes and boiled cabbage and the like I see mostly as "food", even though I seldom have either.
sadclown
July 8, 2004 02:21 PM PDT

As a person of Asian lineage, I do wonder, if you decide to have Chinese food wouldn't you just call it FOOD? It would be quite redundant to refer to it as Chinese food.

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