Just a warning to the fellas: I'm gonna talk womanly talk now, so you can scamper if you like.

Last week, I needed a change of my "feminine napkin." Ain't that a cute term? I'm surprised they didn't go with "maidenly serviettes."

So I skipped off to the ladies' room to change a quarter into such a sanitary device.

They were out.

Feeling this was no biggie -- since I, in all honesty, had never met a pad dispensing machine that actually did so -- I went to the 10th floor, from where I was on the 4th. I made the journey because I knew the 10th to be almost completely deserted, and this in turn must mean a decent supply.

No luck. The damn machine didn't even have an "empty" sign on it so it ate two quarters.

I went to the 2nd. The single bathrooms had lock keypads on them. By this point angry and uncomfortable, I stalked down to the 3rd. I near threw a superfluous chair out of the way and slammed in a quarter. Success!

Best of all, the brand is Maxishield, sounding like something Captain Picard might order against the Romulans, and comes in the strangest box. Made of what feels like stiff recycled paper, it has what looks like a 60s gymnast in Bruce Lee's leotard. Her arms are thrown open because apparently the pad has liberated her from 1950s domestic oppression and inequality. Now she has the whole world ahead of her -- but remember to take extra pads! Click to receive the maximum protection.