Friday, December 17, 2004

Why do I write here? I ask myself sometimes. Do I not have family, friends, who have ready ears and open hearts?

I write here because here I write to everyone -- and in that way, to no one (only a letter away from "none"). My worries fall to no one mind, and no one soul holds any responsibility for my well-being.  

This free ambiguity ... frees me. It is a reassurance to my conscience, for it lets me sidestep the guilt of unloading upon another for the purpose of my personal relief, and for it releases me from the obligation of juggling all the distinct nuances and taboos that come with a specific relationship with a specific person, which I must do so that I might be considered a good, kind, civil person who accomodates others' feelings at the expense of her own.

I talk always, and never listen; the relationship is purely unidirectional, and there is no relationship, because I am the only one who is relevant. I need not feel the charge to give because I have taken, because there are no one to give to and no one to take from. Whoever comes, reads or not reads, does so under their own will; and that will gives me absolution -- sweet, beautiful, precious absolution -- because I did not demand it and therefore there is no obligation of reciprocity.

Most importantly, this behaviour is the only standard; there is nothing greater to which to aspire, and there is nothing lesser to which to slip. Because there is no notion of success here, there is no possibility of failure, and that is very attractive to me.

Here, I can be petty and jealous and self-piteous and egocentric and purely, utterly monstrous and I need feel no sliver of remorse. Here, I shall not be compromised.

posted at 4:16:54 am

Theoneaodave
December 17, 2004   04:13 PM PST
 
I envy your position. Comment from the great beyond!!! Ooga booga!
Halcyon
December 17, 2004   11:40 AM PST
 
Amen
raejane
December 17, 2004   09:52 AM PST
 
It takes a strong and couragous person to stand firm and say thei will take no compromises in their beliefs.
I don't know if that's what you;re going for, strong ansd courageous, that is...but that's what it takes
:)
Senzendre
December 17, 2004   06:50 AM PST
 
Seeing this kind of honesty in a person warms the heart. No pretense of being a perfect person. As it should be (the lack of pretense, not the perfection).

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Glo'ri'a'na, noun:
1. An alternative form of "Gloria."
2. As "Americana" defines itself as artefacts of American culture, "Gloriana" consists of the artefacts of my culture.


   



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