Gloriana

I need to like coffee and alcohol. It does not seem to be a regular item on most "to do for self-improvement" lists, but the fact is, because I find neither alluring or fit for my personal consumption, my social advancement is being obstructed as a result. First, coffee.

I've noticed that a common opening line suggests getting a coffee. How do I respond without committing to an inaccuracy? Going the way of honesty results in some terrible utterance like "I'm sorry, I hate coffee, but please, like Calgon, take me away"? If I should submit, what do I do once I am in the coffeehouse? Mochas, lattes, frappucinos, javas, espressos ... Italian is the descendant of Latin, yes, but the Romans unfortunately kept to water and wine.

I have had one coffee in my life. It tasted precisely what it was -- brewed beans. The gag reflex kicked in as advertised and at that moment I developed a counter-instinct towards coffee. I also have a natural aversion towards drinks that require additives. I have my tea and my milk, but apart -- a simplicity and conservatism that seems to permeate every aspect of my life.

Second, alcohol.

The members of my social circle, one by one, are entering that stage where alcohol has been opened to them, and experimentation and bubbling discussions about ideal mixes are abound. Smirnoff's, Everclear, Bailey's, shooters, coolers ... and I sit there, like a stone, staring ahead, holding onto my juice, Coke, water, whatever that is keeping me apart. It's difficult to ignore that distinct feeling that I have been left out, and more difficult not to flaunt moral superiority as a way of dealing with that isolation. Naturally, then, the resentment begins to run both ways, slowly thickening into a poison.

Strangest of all is that I have this thought, this intellectual though not "gut" urge, to join them. That I should. That why shall I not enjoy myself, and submit to these alleged effects, melting away tension, and stiff lips?

I have been told. I am a "downer." A "prude." I am "uptight." Therefore, shouldn't I in fact have the greatest need to partake? And yet while there may be a need, I have no real want. I don't want alcohol. I want conversation, laughter, all that used to come just fine without any 80 proof aid. But, now, there's something wrong with that.

No, don't say "But you are a prude, Gloria"! This is my blog -- I expect to be pampered, to be indulged, to be humoured with pitying sympathy. A pat on the back and a reassuring "Naturally, naturally, m'dear" -- that's what I want.

posted at 1:04:13 am

theoneaodave
July 23, 2004 06:29 PM PDT

hmm yet another America is in agreement on this. Fear, Confusion, Arousal, only a few of the adjectives that come to mind.
Saladin
July 8, 2004 05:58 PM PDT

Actually, the real surprise is that we agree on anything, ever; I mean, the incarnation of evil and the paragon of virtue (*cough* I love humility)... it's a wonder we aren't at each other's throats at all times!
Alyred
July 8, 2004 11:33 AM PDT

See? Two crazy freak guys agree... Of course, we're Americans... which is odd considering the stance we both have. ;)
Saladin
July 8, 2004 03:20 AM PDT

Woo! Go you! I myself don't drink coffee or alcohol. I can understand why people drink them: they are idiots.

No, seriously, alcohol's just a waste of time, I think. I can emulate its effects by drinking spoiled milk, acting like an idiot, and flushing twenty dollars down the toilet. I don't need alcohol to do those things, but drinking alcohol will more or less have that effect.

Fight the good fight, Gloria! Stay clean and sober, and prove that you don't need alcohol to enjoy yourself - or to be enjoyable.
Alyred
July 7, 2004 07:37 PM PDT

I gotta run shortly, but wanted to comment. Good for you, for having a much healthier attitude towards all this than your friends. Though I can't agree to you with Coffee; while I don't drink it regularly I do enjoy a cup every now and again, and I love the smell of roasted coffee in the morning. But I am sure it's an acquired taste, so don't feel bad if you decide not to partake in it. There are those people that choose not to, and you'll eventually meet more of them. When asked out for coffee, here's what I always did: How about a tea/soda/milkshake instead?
Hang in there, Gloria.
Webmaster Seven
July 6, 2004 11:53 PM PDT

I think it's cool how you're not falling in line, following the crowd. If you don't want alcohol, you don't want it. It's not medicine or anything. Do you really need it to survive? Alcohol doesn't live up to all the hype. It's not that you're a downer or a prude. You don't need alcohol. Ugh, peer pressure is so overrated, yet it affects us all. Twenty years from now, will all the hype life up to its worth? Ugh! I just read what I wrote. I'm not trying to be God or sound like your parents. I'm just saying I think you go your own pace. That's all.

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